I'm not crossposting this to LJ. The person I just broke up with reads there about twice a year and I don't want them seeing this yet.

I just broke up with R, who I dated for 2.5 years. We've had issues for a while - she's not able to really support me cuz of her previous commitments. She has trouble putting the maintenance work into a relationship where she doesn't see the person regularly. She has very little time for me, and that's gotten less and less.

It sucks. I feel like I haven't had time to process this, what with work being really busy and having lost a tooth last week and being on many rounds of anti-biotics, and being broke and saving up to visit relatives back east and support K during surgery.

We had a D/s relationship. I had a relationship with her kids. I used to spend Christmas morning with her family. She told me she wanted us to never breakup, she actively encouraged me to buy into it.

I can't sustain a relationship tho, where my needs got whittled down to the bare minimum, and I got treated like I was an asshole for having them.

The last 3 weeks, I had a hard time reconciling the stressed out, blamey, ranty communications I was getting with the person I had loved and been loved by for years. It really sucked.

And I ended it. Cuz this is what I do when things get bad. I end them because I'm worth more.

I just hate that I need to learn this over and over.
I want to remember last night and this morning, because it was a good time made of simple things.

Last night I had a date with Roni. Due to my new evening-shift job, our date pattern has changed: She comes to my house sometime in the evening and gets to have a nice nap, I come home around midnight, wake her up and make her a cup of special tea. We have some 'date time' for a couple hours, then fall asleep together and wake up together, have breakfast and more 'date time' (unless we sleep in) and then I go to work. It's not our preferred arrangement, but it works well with us. One nice effect is that we've noticed that the weird "beginning of date" tension doesn't happen anymore - I'm usually just happy to come home to her, and she's happy to wake up to a happy me and have date time.

In any case, last night it began snowing lightly - I walked home in what I think of as "fancy rain" - when the snow falls and melts instantly (a Vancouver phenomenon.) I got home to a sleepy Roni, made her her tea. She was feeling a bit under the weather so we pulled up the blinds and watched snow fall. One of the great things about my bedroom is I have a large, paned, picture-window that faces the street - and a streetlamp. For years, one of my favorite things in the world is watching snow fall under streetlamps - it's so calming, magical and beautiful. Last night I got to lie in a warm bed with my love, watching snow fall under a streetlamp, while reading and discussing one of my favorite books. Perfect.

I woke up, and there was a bit of some of my favorite date activities with Roni. Then we had breakfast and I headed to The Purple Thistle to do a workshop. The Purple Thistle is a youth-run queer centre which has lots of arts stuff (mostly FREE) and workshops. They've been having a Good Touch series on consent and sex, and Kay (my new sweetie) but me in touch with one of the organizers and we agreed I could present BDSM 101 there.

The workshop was fairly well attended - we had about 12-15 folks, and a variety of background and experienced. There was a lot of good, smart talk, some delving into touchy, but really juicy and important topics, and good group dynamics. We took up about 2 hours! And it felt like we could talk more! I'm optimistic that we'll be working together on more workshops. Also, Kay has dropped in on their break to drop off coffee for me and give me a few kisses. And then Ben came with coffee, too, because I'm damned spoiled in many wonderful ways.

Two things aspects that were really great:
*I got really re-invested in workshops. I'm always somewhat invested, however lately I've felt a bit less passionate. Facilitating a workshops where I got to use some of my more facilitatey skills (as opposed to lecturing skills) was really wonderful, and felt great. Also I felt like I was really meeting a need, which fulfills me in an incredible way. I also felt capable and thrilled about the workshop participants and their processes. SO GOOD.
*Ben is totally, totally, totally coming into his own as someone who started out attending workshops, then providing support for mine, and now I think can probably facilitate on his own. (Yes, he knows I've been grooming him.) I'm excited because he's agreed to co-present Queering Sex with me at Westward Bound in February. HEH.

I often record troubles and worries and crisis and concerns and issues I'm working through. My life though, is composed of so many wonderful things, it's important to remember and remark upon and inscribe.



December 2012

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