Sep. 9th, 2012

It's so strange, this balancing act between grief about a 2.5 passionate secondary relationship, and the slow and steady unfolding of a sweet, fulfilling, hot primary relationship.

Things with Kay are building towards sharing our lives - I help with househunting for Kay's short-term living situation before we move in together. They come over and let me sleep in while they make coffee and breakfast. They decide to contribute to my breakfast groceries, cuz we mostly sleep at my house. We order meat together, at their suggestion. I am so rusty and lost in the world of trying to have a partnership, I realise that they could be my default date for family events, weddings, in general. My partner.

At the same time, I'm still awash in sadness about leaving Roni. I know I will miss her, which will grow slowly, as we were less and less a part of each other's daily lives. The things that always worked, the dates and eating food and sex and lying around talking about our lives - those I miss already and I'm sure will be more apparent as time goes on.

The topic of the girls, her Tiny Femmes, those kids I love in a way I haven't let myself love kids in a long time, brings tears easier than anything else. I've already had a hard time this year, seeing them so rarely. If anything breaks my heart, it will be permanent separation from them. I try to tell myself that this is really about other things. And it may be. But I consider them part of my family, and I am just letting myself feel that now.



December 2012

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