Dec. 31st, 2011

This year.

In some ways, it's been a great chance at growth. I submitted to two art shows, got into one. I submitted my writing to Salacious Magazine, and am being published in the new year. Not bad for someone who abandoned their arts career for 10 years. In fact, pretty damned impressive.

There's also been: serious mental health breakdowns, new medications, poverty, massive housing uncertainty for 4 months, bed bugs...

I survived though. I always do, I'm a fairly pliant and resilient human. I learn and adjust and grow. My housing situation has probably improved, in that I found an agreeable human with compatible living styles.

I'm adjusting into the idea of STAYING in my home. Of rooting down. Of STAYING in my job, or using it as a launch pad. Of slowly and steadily building an artistic and presenting profile. My relationship with R is steady - no longer growing but in some ways deepening. I'm not great at handling conflict or limitations, of learning to be away and independent then trust again. She's steady, tho, and it gives me an anchor to steady me while I experiment with this 'commitment' thing.

I haven't achieved all I wished for in 2011, but what I did do was pretty damned good.

Pretty damned good is often not just enough, but lovely.

Today, L and I went to a gun range together. We've developed a friendship of sorts, which is nice. It seemed appropriate to try my hand at firearms, a dangerous tool, with her. We shot off 100 .22 caliber rounds. Some I breathed deep an focused as I fired: on my fear of homelessness, bedbugs, stress, helplessness, mental illness. On my friend suffered a family tragedy - he got 10 whole rounds to himself. I blew away the 4 months of stress so intense I could barely keep track of the days of the week.

I learned two things:
-firing a handgun is easy. Very, shockingly, frighteningly so.
-I respond better to heavier guns - the weight and responsibility focuses me more.

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December 2012

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